Story001

What happened that led up to the divorce?

He had a long-term affair. It was not cool. Ha, that was an understatement. Looking back, I could see where the initial cracks between us started happening.

What emotions did you experience at the start?

Shock, disbelief, disappointment. I still remember the chill down the back of my neck when I realised the truth of who he isn't - a person of integrity, honesty and kindness. Then the images in my mind started forming. Of them together.

Even though he claimed that they were no longer together, this piece of truth shattered everything I know about the marriage and our relationship. Of course I asked, "did you love her?" He did. Ouch.

What support systems or resources were most helpful to you during this time?

I had my very close friends, I started confiding in them and they were really shocked. One of my close friends booked a therapy appointment for me and accompanied me to start my counselling session the next day. What a lifesaver that was.

I moved to my sibling's place for the time being, to cool my head and my heart. My family were very supportive and kind and I am eternally grateful. Of course mum asked insensitive questions, but otherwise my family really did rally around me to give me the support I needed.

What are the key lessons you learned from your marriage, the divorce journey, and the healing process?

Not everything is about you in a marriage. Listen, really empathise, and be less defensive. Not everything is an attack. Calculate finances and workflow with professionals to prevent any miscalculations and miscommunications while negotiating the terms. Therapy, mindfulness and psych medication are really... really helpful.

What do you think you could have done better for yourself during this time?

Don't bother with dating apps. They are a waste of precious mental and emotional energy.

What would you say to your ex-partner if you met them now?

I wish you are happy. Truly happy and content with your life. Don't cheat on your partner anymore. I have long forgiven you, but I don't think I can ever forget what we have been... and I don't want to. It's part of the tapestry of me now.

If you could give one piece of advice to someone going through a divorce, what would it be?

Use this time to rediscover who YOU truly really are. Don't rush into another committed relationship until you've figured it out. Dating is fine as part of the process of self-discovery and exploration. Approach life with renewed curiosity if you can. It's going to be fun, liberating and a breath of fresh air.

How has this experience changed how you see love and relationships?

Yes, I don't believe in the institution of marriage anymore, but I still believe that commitment comes with consistency, authenticity and a willingness to put in the work. With the right person of course, otherwise please leave me the f**k alone.